Location: Southeastern, United States

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Nae simul pudere quod non oportet coeperit; quod oportet non pudebit

I have been having wretched dreams about the ex-relationship. Dreams in which my subconcious is constantly railing at me like a priggish but clear-sighted aunt. I liked a long-distance relationship; not having someone in my space, crowding up my room, messing up my carefully-deposited clutter. Moreover, not having to see someone not just through my own eyes but through the more-critical eyes of friends, family, community. So, my subconcious nags at me, poking into the over-tender parts of my mind, shaking out my emotions like pebbles on a rug, was I ashamed of him?

Of course not, my thinking mind replies. There was a time when I felt more strongly about him then he felt about me; I certainly had enough insecure times. I wanted him to meet my family; it was the family that wouldnt' cooperate. But it is true that it fell apart for the last time on campus, under the weight of the residential college's mythos, under the imagined eyes of a compassionate but very curious group of teenagers. It is true that the dreams I am having have the same feeling as waking up nights, listening to breathing in the silence and thinking this does not fit.

What does my subconcious priggish-aunt want? Should I be ashamed of how my feelings turned, or should the turn of my feelings indicate that I should be extra-careful to avoid him upon my return to campus? Internet, I'm not asking your opinion, but if you've got one (besides 'stop whining') we may as well hear it.

I only have three weeks left here, after all, and maybe I should try harder to be here instead of in a remembered and anticipated somewhere else. Here, I am teaching the kid to play chess, and despite the heat it is raining every day all the way through drought season. Maybe I'll go to the beach this weekend.



Blogger Dale said...

I don't think you should be ashamed of anything. Be kind to yourself. I don't think that aunt is clear-sighted at all.

5:14 PM  

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